A Relook at My Life

I came back to my parents' house with the two kiddos yesterday.

William was out since morning and I didn't want to be cooped up in the house with the two kids myself. I know I'll get frustrated and the negative energy will get to Coco. So I lugged the baby's things and all to my parents' place.

I was so relaxed that after a dim sum session at Crystatl Jade Kitchen, I conked out on my sister's bed for about 4 hours. Then I slept again at an early hour at about 9 or 10pm. It was restful indeed. I woke up at 5.30am just now and decided that I've had enough sleep.

I actually dreamt about myself contemplating seriously over a divorce. That sets me thinking about it again.

I've been living as a single mother, with the tag 'married' on me, and without the assets or benefits of being married. There are alot more liabilities than assets in fact. Two banks have rejected my application for a credit card for reasons not revealed to me, but there is only one obvious reason: that the debt-incurring, zero-credibility William is my spouse.

I've thought about things that I might want to attempt besides teaching all my life.

I'm starting to wonder if I should at least try to obtain a driving license. I'm a technophobic and machines frighten me. I've a tendency to mess up things related to machines. People don't understand why I don't have the common sense to know how machines work. I can't read the symbols on the machines, which are supposed to be 'úniversal'. I have an immense fear about cars blowing up while I'm in it, as the driver. I'm worried that I might be the agent for car accidents, or worse, kill somebody while driving.

But recently, I'm thinking about getting a license. I never know when I'll need one. Besides, it doesn't look really difficult. Hey, even someone uneducated is able to pick it up, how difficult can it be, right? But then again, they don't have the kinda fears that I have. I can always dismiss them as being paranoia although they still linger somewhere within me.

I'm wondering if I really just want to do teaching all my life, without trying any other things out.

If I don't have kids, what will I do? Will I give up teaching and try out some other jobs? This is a question I've been asking myself, and haven't got an answer for yet.

If I don't have the baby, would I have divorced William one year ago?

They are 'ífs' questions, no doubt. Some people say that there's no use dwelling on the ifs. But at this point of my life, I feel that they do help me look at things from other perspectives and not feel so negative about my life. Without the ifs, I would feel that this is my destiny - trapped in a life of woes, without the ability to change the course.

I set a new year resolution this year, that I will put divorce on the cards. It's nearing year end.

I look indecisive. It's because the decision is not about me. It's about the baby. I tell myself that I've done the least I could for her ie. to give her a life. But I can't be dragged into the mud for her. I need a life for myself. Everytime I see pictures of beautifully renovated, cosy flats, it reminds me of the dream I have - to have a nice home that I can call my own. With William, I never know when we'll divorce and the furniture sell off at cheap prices. I don't even know if any bank will just barge in and auction off the items.

I don't want to live with uncertainties.