Back in time

Today was CCA day.

The kids were tasked with designing a photo album and making it, albeit hypothetically, as lucrative as possible. Some were kneeling down on the floor.

As I stood tall above their small figures, my eyes became wet. I was thrusted into the memory tunnel when I was a Primary 4 or 5. I was that young once, and I never imagined I would be leading the life that I am living. I would never have imagined that I would be trapped in a marriage that's worse off than not being married. I had dreams of having a caring husband who would take care of me. I dreamt of a lovely family in which I have beautiful children and loving husband. I thought all these would come naturally. I didn't think that a responsible husband is that hard to come by, much less a loving or caring one. After all, my uneducated mother married a responsible husband.

I'm filled with jealousy and envy whenever I read the blog of a wordpress blogger who is so in love with her husband. She's everything I ever wanted. A husband who makes her breakfast in bed. A husband who takes care of the letters and bills. A husband who loves the baby just as much, if not more. Above all, a husband who can last you a lifetime.

One of the reasons I am reluctant to leave William is this: the moment I divorce, I am declaring the last 7 years or so totally a waste. They are like ash, blown away with the wind. I know holding onto it is tantamount to wasting more time.

Let me live in denial. I don't want to think about it, nor wake up (for the time being).

Sometimes I wonder what has caused me to be in the sorry state that I am. The answer that resonates within me is a lack of confidence in myself. I had to depend on others to give me confidence. I was afraid of facing the future or unknown on my own. I wanted to cling onto anything, even if it's a bastard, to give me happiness.

Sometimes I wonder if things would have been different if I never had Coco, yet without Coco, where would I be?

There is no point in wondering about the what-ifs now. Just that I am free to do so since this is my thoughts attic.

It's a done deal. But perhaps I can afford to live out the fantasy of having caring partners, even if I'm tagged with the label 'married'. I find myself telling chatters that I am single, or divorced, recently. I feel that there's no point telling others that I'm married and whine to them how unfortunate that I am indeed. I might as well enjoy the virtual singlehood!