A Life Without Passions

A colleague commented that I was very thrifty today.

She was surprised to see me carrying my bag which had a snapped strap, since at least 2 weeks ago.

I told her that mothers are like that - you thrift on yourself, but spend on your kids.

I also used another ex-colleague as an example, but she protested that that ex-colleague indulged in bags.

I immediately told her,"I'm not crazy about bags."

I did a quick thinking on the spot, and tried to think about something I really like and would indulge in, and I found that I didn't have anything I was passionate about!

I told her,"I'm not crazy about anything."

On my way home, I thought about our conversation. I tried to think of something I would splurge on ie. shoes, clothes, bags, hair and I couldn't think of any! I tried to think of my favourite food, and I realised that I really don't have anything I must eat in particular! I like chicken, but it's more of 'there isn't anything better' than 'I love it'.

I realised that I actually feel guilty buying anything for myself. Whatever I buy, it almost always has a functional value to someone I love. I thought it somewhat sad to come to such a realisation. I had heard about such people ie. feel guilty about buying things for themselves and I used to think that they were really weird. I thought I would never experience this since I was a very self-centred person and I would do everything I like to please just myself.

How strange things have become quite the opposite!

I used to like clothes at Mango, but ever since I had Coco, I stopped going there to buy clothes as it proved to be too pricey for me when I first had her. Then when I had a better job, I realised that the clothes were no longer suitable for me. It looked to me like they had a different designer and was targeting at a different market. The style was completely different from when they first came onto the scene.

I used to like to shop at Urban & Co. I am quite petite in size and it is difficult to find clothes that fit me to a tee, until I found Urban & Co. When I loved their clothes and shop there, new outlets kept sprouting up. Then it seemed they too had a change in designers or something equivalent. The clothes no longer fitted my conservative taste. I stopped going there. Now they are completely gone it seems.

I'm not quite sure which is true: that I don't delight in spending on myself, or I don't have anything I fancy. It doesn't sound even human does it? A chatfriend commented that it's very unwoman to not like shopping. I guess I've been busy with my job and kids, especially Coco's studies, that I don't even have time to stop to think about my likes and dislikes.

The chatfriend said,"You should rediscover yourself."

Now, where do I start 'rediscovering' myself from?