No hope. No disappointment

Town Council sent me a lawyer's letter about the unpaid service and conservancy bill since last November.

I'd cleared the accumulated backlog of more than a thousand dollars last year. I almost wanted to file a divorce because I saw no reason to be with this man. Instead of him supporting me, I'm supporting him, on top of the kids.

I woke up at 5.30am today. The first thought that came to my mind was what TV compere Quan Yifong said,"我对这段婚姻没有希望，也没有失望。" The first time I heard her say this, I still had a lot of disappointments with my marriage. It's only when you harbour hopes of salvaging the marriage that you experience disappointments. When you no longer harbour hopes nor disappointments, it only means that your heart has died away where the marriage is concerned.

I'm beginning to understand and empathise what she said. He has disappointed me so greatly there isn't a bigger disappointment that goes beyond.

I've told him that I will no longer bother with what he does. Neither will he meddle with my affairs. He's free to do what he likes, and I will be free to pursue my own happiness, no matter what form it takes. Even if it is in the form of infedelity, being a nil responsible husband, he has no right to question me, because the marriage has reached the end of the road.

The 'unconditional' clause cannot apply to me. To explain what this statement means: he has told me that I should not be conditional in the marriage, meaning I should support him in whatever he does. And I mean 'whatever'.

That's rubbish!

Why didn't I ever stop to think that he's spouting rubbish for his own selfish, personal benefit?

I was hoping to find the full quote of what Quan Yifong said about her marriage, and I was directed to a few links that suggested that her husband was a gambler, too. She too, was the main breadwinner of the family.

There was wisdom in our forefathers' belief and management of their marriage.

They believed that women should stay home and look after children, and the husband should shoulder the responsibility of feeding the family.

That was also the recipe of long-lasting marriages.

Women have natural maternal instinct. After having children, we cannot be there for them, and we too have to take up the responsibility of supporting the family. But men's role continues to be one that is of a traditional one, except that his burden is halved, while the women's role is doubled. Sooner or later, resentment will set in.

I'm not sure how many women really want to be superwomen ie. to be homemaker cum breadwinner. But if I can do that on my own, I really don't need a man.